Scene Analysis: Evangeline at the Christmas Lounge
A girl running from her past has to face facts that it's going to catch up with her. Can her sisters convince her that it's time to get off the barstool and hone who she really is?
Week 6 - Pile into the scene craft van, we’re taking off!
Fun fact! I broke all the rules for this scene. Does it work?
For those of you new to Scene Craft, this space is dedicated to studying scene structure, primarily using the Story Grid methodology. These are all scenes I’m writing for practice, so I’m not married to any of them and they won’t be part of a finished work. As you read, make notes about what seems to be working or not and add those to the comments. This purpose is for us to learn together.
My own analysis of the scene and some additional background is included below. So, grab a pencil and let’s think about structure! Practice time is now.
Evangeline at the Christmas Lounge
As the knocking became louder, Evangeline stubbed out her cigarette and slipped out the window, taking the rent-due exit down the side of the balcony. Her worn chuck taylors hit the ground, and she soundlessly stole down the sidewalk.
*** 11 minutes later***
“Your apartment is disgusting.”
“How did you find me?” Evangeline batted her eyelashes at her two older sisters in mock surprise.
“It doesn’t take a detective to know you basically live at this grimy bar.” Her oldest sister dared the bartender to respond with a pointed look, but he wisely looked away.
“Hey!” Evangeline pet the battered wooden bar protectively. “It’s charming.”
Her middle sister snorted. “We heard you quit the café.”
Evangeline replayed the man’s face as shock turned to purple, infinite anger while she poured coffee down the front of his shirt. She knew she was supposed to feel bad, but she just shrugged and wondered how long they would keep up this small talk before getting around to the real reason they’d come looking for her.
“Any idea where you’ll get a new job?” her middle sister asked.
Apparently a little longer.
Employment didn’t agree with Evangeline. They all knew that. She’d been thrown out or thrown herself out of almost every bar, restaurant, and café in town that would even consider hiring her.
Her oldest sister drummed her fingers on the bar. “Why are we pretending she has other options?”
Her middle sister raised a hand to quiet her.
Evangeline gripped the smooth curve of the bar and took a swig of PBR, knowing she was dangerously close to drinking her last two dollars. She thought about the kids she met that summer who traveled the country by hopping trains. She swallowed hard. “I have options.”
Her middle sister put a protective hand on her shoulder. “This isn’t about money. If you don’t learn to protect yourself, you’re toast, and I can’t have that happen to my baby sister.”
Her oldest sister spoke louder. “That’s right baby sister. You’re only 19 after all. We need to protect you.”
Evangeline glared at her, then shook her head at the newly interested bartender. “Makes her feel younger when she lies about my age,” she called over.
He squinted as if trying to decide whether he cared.
Her oldest sister slammed her hand down on the bar. “This is serious Gel. You should have been studying since you were 12. You can’t put it off any longer.” Then she abruptly switched tactics and gripped Evangeline’s hand. “Why are you running from this?”
Evangline pulled her hand away and knocked a cigarette out of her pack, pondering the question as she lit it. Her big sister was right. Her scent grew stronger every year. They would find her eventually. Was she hoping to get bumped off in a dark alley, go quiet without a fight? Or was it worse to think she could face them and find out she was wrong?
She blew out a long drag, watching the smoke hang in the heavy afternoon air. “Do you think Mom was surprised she couldn’t hold them off?”
Her middle sister’s hand shot out like a net and gripped her shoulder, as if a warm grip could siphon her words from the air.
Her oldest sister’s eyes fell to the bar. “That was an ambush. No one could fight off that many.”
“And if I dedicate my life to this training and then I get ambushed to—” Evangline took another drag and let the thought float amongst her smoke.
Her middle sister sat up straighter. “Ok, but seriously. We saw your hovel of an apartment. And this place—” The bartender raised an eyebrow. “What are you actually giving up? But I’ll tell you what you’re getting. That empty feeling that never stops gnawing at you—” Evangeline looked at her sister now. “—it will start to feel full.”
“And maybe you won’t need to pour hot coffee on random strangers for fun anymore.”
“Funny.” Evangeline studied the faded Christmas lights hanging in front of a calendar three years out of date. It would get cold soon and she couldn’t pay rent. She didn’t want to sleep on the street, and getting another job wasn’t looking good in this gossipy town. She took a long drag and blew it out. “Maybe just a few months. See how it goes.”
Her middle sister threw her hands in the air, then hugged Evangeline tightly. “I knew you’d come around.”
Her big sister touched her cheek in a way like their mom used to. “We’re going to make sure nothing happens to you.”
Evangeline smiled, even though she knew there was nothing any of them could do to protect her when they came for her. She had to be ready.
Overall thoughts:
I partied like a Tulane student at Chewbacchus last weekend.
I have a slight relapse of my recent cold.
I’ve been obsessed with plotting Against the Red Sky Book 2 all week.
Those are the three reasons it was hard for me to get a scene out this week, but these are excuses and practice must go on. Tuesday I knew I had to write the first draft of a scene but every time by fingers hit the keyboard I was back to outlining, so I did something I never do. I picked up my notebook and a pen and sat on the couch and wrote. Earlier that day at work I had already written out some ideas for a protagonist who wants A without having to B. It had something to do with a zookeeper who was leaving for college and has to hire her replacement. Anyway, who cares, and that’s not what I wrote because I couldn’t even begin to look back at my notes.
Instead, I wrote 4 or 5 handwritten pages about this slob of a girl smoking cigarettes and listening to The Cure in her bedroom and trying to figure out how to bribe her neighbor to let her use her apartment because her sisters were coming. I didn’t plot out the 5 commandments. I didn’t write down who the protag is what she wants and doesn’t want. But I did hand write several pages of garbage before I wrote the first draft of the final scene. Right, start the scene with the action, so I started with her sneaking out the window and running away to The Christmas Lounge (which is almost the name of a beloved dive bar in my hood).
So, can we pull the 5 commandments from this scene? I literally have not checked for them at all until this moment, so moment of truth.
Inciting Incident
Check - that’s the knocking at the door
Progressive Complications
Evangeline realizes she probably is unemployable.
Positive PC she’s remembering the kids who hop the trains. She could do that.
Sisters talking about her needed to train and stop running.
Sister trying to out her as underage at her favorite bar.
Turning Point
“But I’ll tell you what you’re getting. That empty feeling that never stops gnawing at you—” Evangeline looked at her sister now. “—it will start to feel full.”
Crisis Decision
It would get cold soon and she couldn’t pay rent. She didn’t want to sleep on the street, and getting another job wasn’t looking good in this gossipy town. She took a long drag and blew it out. “Maybe just a few months. See how it goes.”
Resolution
Her middle sister threw her hands in the air, then hugged Evangeline tightly. “I knew you’d come around.”
Her big sister touched her cheek in a way like their mom used to. “We’re going to make sure nothing happens to you.”
Evangeline smiled, even though she knew there was nothing any of them could do to protect her when they came for her. She had to be ready. - Cliffhanger resolution!
So, maybe the progressive complications could be stronger, but I think this scene passes the test. And guess what I did this week! (What everyone asks in hushed excitement). I tracked the changes! So, here is the full version of an earlier draft with line edits. I have to add it as an image because Substack be so smart that it makes it pretty when you paste, so behold, line edits as image.
Track changes as image ain’t perfect, but whatever, it gets the point across.
Here are a few notes about why I made some of the changes/additions:
I added that note about her batting her eyes (which is a bit dumb) but I needed something to ground the scene in place and character. The reader needs to know Who. And the next line clears up the where.
I like the sister staring the bar tender and he looks away. Maybe she’s intimidating. At the very least it shows us she’s not afraid of a fight.
Most of the rest is just cleaning up word choice and moving around phrases where they sound better. But I do want to call out two other things:
I deleted those lines about mind reader because it was superfluous and not funny.
I added the last line. This one is important. I kept going back and forth between if or when then I realized it had to WHEN or we don’t have a story and then the “She had to be ready” was a no brainer. Now it ends on definite problems that she has to train for.
That’s it for this week. Let me know what you think in the comments.